demo-attachment-632-adult-blur-close-up-267394

How to fall in love (single sisters)

by with No Comment Contemporary

This is a very sensitive topic. And I really took my time with lots of typing and deleting before bringing it to public glare. If I’m not convinced that it would benefit someone out there, I wouldn’t have.

So lately I have been attending to questions from single sisters about falling in love. Questions like, ‘I don’t feel anything for him, how do I go into marriage with someone I don’t love?  Or ‘I’m not sure I’m ready, how do I prepare myself? Or ‘This is the fourth person and I still don’t feel anything, is something wrong with me?

Okay, let me address the questions one after the other.

As Muslim sisters, we’ve been admonished agaisnt boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and we steer clear totally until we’re ready for marriage. If you’re not careful, and you allow it to, this can affect your perception about love and relationship but if you’re wise, and know exactly what you want, it can never affect you.

Some sisters are lucky to have crushes who later turn to husbands and they don’t find it difficult falling in love.

While it’s not so for some sisters. Because they’ve avoided the opposite sex for so long, they find it difficult to fall in love or fit into a pre-marital relationship when they’re ready.

My first advice is for you to relax. Its difficult to fall in love when you’re rigid. Give the brothers listening ears. Some sisters are snub. It’s common among sisters that we don’t initiate Teslim to the opposite gender. Some sisters carry this on until they drive all suitors away. Relax and get ready to receive love. Like the boys scout ‘s motto: Be prepared. Rigidity does not help, it’s dangerous too after marriage.

My second advice is for you to open up and receive help. Find a trustworthy and sensible married woman around you and let her put you through. Read books that talks about marriage, Al-Jibaly four books series comes to mind. Read lots of books to prepare yourself. Attend marriage seminars too and gradually your muscles, mind, body and heart would be ready to receive love. Persuade your mind too, though you’ve not experience the feeling before but it’s not so difficult. Don’t be too rigid, kill that rigidity and you’re good to go.

Another problem is that you don’t know the real meaning of love. You keep turning down proposals for the reason that you don’t love him.

Come! What is your own definition of love and is their really anything like love at first sight? To me, I don’t think there’s anything like love at first sight instead it should be tagged attraction at first sight and I stand to be corrected on this.

How do you love someone you’re seeing for the first time? Love is not a cheap commodity that you can easily pick from bend down select okrika market. No, love is much more than that.

Love is a strong feelings of affection towards someone and that is not a day’s achievement.

Love is something you grow like a flower which you nurture and jealously protect afterwards.

The similitude of love and relationship is that of building a house, first you must get a land, lay the foundation and then start erecting your building. The same goes for love and relationship, you have to heartily accept his proposal after you must have done all the necessary things which include your istikhaarah and of course istisharah, then you open your heart and start erecting or planting his love in there.

If you don’t give him a chance at all with the excuse that you don’t love him then I’m sorry you’re not ready for marriage coz  genuine love don’t come at first sight except in the case of a mother and her newly born baby, it’s an instant connection, it’s love at first sight but in matters of the heart, I reiterate it, GENUINE love don’t come at first sight except its infatuation which doesn’t last.

Moreover, your expectations are too high, you have built a wall of fantasy around marriage which makes you view marriage from the perspective of impossibility instead of facing reality and believing in qadar. Your destined man that’ll take you to Jannah may not be a tall man but here you are waiting endlessly for a tall man because of your die hard fantasy. May it not be too late before you realize that the pen had been raised.

Don’t be deceived by Indian movies, don’t be scammed by telemundo films, don’t allow yourself to be brainwashed by nollywood love stories, your heart doesn’t have to do a marathon of somersault when you see someone you love, it’s not compulsory to have butterflies dancing in your tummy before you realise you’re in love.

Love is calm, its not crazy. Always longing to see that person is love, always longing to hear his voice is love, defending him when others are against him is love, fighting for him even when you know he’s wrong is love. The list is endless and can’t be achieved in a day.

Is there love at first sight? It may be true but not genuinely true.

Is there attraction at first sight? Always true but not in all situation.

Can love be grown? Always true only if your heart accept and agree.

Is there infatuation at first sight? Always true.

Can infatuation lead to love? Its difficult to state how true it is.

Is marriage a bed of roses? Never true.

And then there’s a misconception about courtship. It’s not as if courtship shouldn’t be at all. The period between offer/acceptance and marriage is the period of courtship. You can use this period to know your would be spouse better.

Go on a date, but make sure you’re not alone, have a Mahram or third party with you to avoid shaytan because the prophet (saw) says when a man and a woman are alone, the third party is shaytan. Who says, hijabi/niqabi and Alfa cannot go on a date to the most beautiful places of their choice. Please do and this would afford you the opportunity to see him/her a little. How he relates with people, his mannerism and so on. But don’t be alone I reteirate.

While preparing for your wedding you can go shopping together and of course with a third party. Let him pick whatever he would love to see on you by himself. Pick for him too. Islam is not boring, add some spices to your relationship and build on it after marriage.

Relax and receive love, most importantly, love yourself because if you don’t, you can’t love another person. I wish you the best on your journey to finding true love.

Lateefah Adewunmi Jumah.

kelly-sikkema-PMxoh8zJNb0-unsplash

FIRST CHILD

by with One Comment Short StoryTrue Life

A SHORT STORY BY LATEEFAH ADEWUNMI JUMAH – LAJFINGERS, dedicated to every first child.

Laj Fingers

Today, the house of Mr and Mrs Adigun was bubbling. The family woke up very early in the morning to assume their respective chores. The previous night, Mrs Adigun had already designated duties to each member of the family, and the male inclusive. In the house of the Adiguns, house chores are not gender based. Both genders do it, not even with their Margret Thatcher mother would any child be lethargic. So after the first cock crow that morning, each person mounted their duty and before 8:00 a.m, the house was sparkling with a touch of glitters everywhere.

After the children were done with the cleaning and decorations, Mrs Adigun walked out of her room majestically to inspect the work done. She nodded her head satisfactorily while moving from one section of the house to the other. She also walked into the kitchen to inspect the meals. Two of her sons were holding a pestle and pounding yam inside the mortar. One of her daughters was removing the pieces of yam from the pot and putting them inside the mortar for the boys to pound. Another daughter was preparing the efo-riro to go with the pounded yam. In the house of the Adiguns, house chores were always a division of labour with no child feeling burdened or cheated. Their high number made the chores simpler and less hectic. The children were ten in number and they were all from a womb, because their mum was the only wife.

The house kept bubbling with activities and the aroma of the delicious meal being prepared could be perceived from miles away. The family was celebrating an auspicious occasion. Eniola, the first child of the family, was bringing in her suitor to be introduced to the family. The preparation continued till the guests arrived.

A tall handsome man walked in with two other men. The family welcomed them and showed them to a seat. Mr Adigun sent for Eniola who was still in her room. She later walked into the sitting room in the company of two of her friends. She sat down beside her mom. Her nine siblings trooped out from every corner of the house and also took their seats. Those who could not find a chair to sit leaned against the wall and the introduction began. Mr Adigun was the first to speak.

“You’re welcome, Akinola , my son. Akinola Olanrewaju, isn’t it?” Mr Adigun asked with a smile.

“Yes, sir, I am Akinola Olanrewaju, sir,” Akinola replied with a smile while adjusting himself on the seat.

“You’re welcome once again. Please feel at home. We are glad to have you in our midst. Eniola must have told you that ours is a big family. Beside me here is my lovely wife and equally Eniola’s mom. As you know very well, Eniola, your bride to be, is the first child of this family. And sitting next to her is Segun, Eniola’s immediate younger brother. He just graduated from the University of Lagos where he studied Electrical Engineering and he’s through with his NYSC already. I heard your brother owns a steel manufacturing company!” Mr Adigun asked Akinola.

“Yes, sir,” Akinola replied while nodding his head.

“That’s good. Please help me talk to him. Segun needs a job, and I can assure you that he’s a good boy. I raised all my children uprightly. I’ll be glad if you can assist my son, uhn,” Mr Adigun requested politely.

“I’ll do that, sir,” Akinola replied.

“Oh thank you, my son. May God bless you in manifolds. And that is Niyi, my third child. He also graduated from the University of Lagos. He’s awaiting his NYSC call up later. I want him to be posted to Abuja. You know, there are many opportunities over there. I heard your uncle works at NYSC secretariat in Abuja. You’ll assist your brother in law, won’t you?” Mr Adigun asked Akinola again.

“I’ll gladly do so, sir.” Akinola replied.

“Thank you so much, my son. May God honour you immensely. And over there is my fourth child, Nike. Nike is in her final year studying Nursing ………….. Ehn ehn, that reminds me, Eniola told me that your mom is a retired chief matron in LUTH, is that correct?” Mr Adigun asked and by this time, Eniola was already signalling to him to stop but Mr Adigun ignored her ‘talking eyes.’

“That’s correct, sir. My mom is a retired chief matron in LUTH,” Akinola replied with a nod of his head while Mr Adigun shouted.

“Great! Great!! Great!!! That means my daughter has no problem searching for a job when she graduates, or won’t you assist your sis-in-law by talking to your mom to help her?” Mr Adigun asked.

“I’ll gladly do so, sir,” Akinola replied with a dried throat.

“That’s very good of you. You’re a good man. My daughter is very lucky, indeed. And over there is my fifth child, Bimbo. She’s a student of Agric-Science. In fact, Bimbo’s dream is to work in Obasanjo farm someday. That reminds me, I heard one of your sisters is married to Obasanjo’s son, is that true?”

“That’s very true, sir.” Akinola replied while Mr Adigun turned to Bimbo.

“Bimbo, your dream of working in Obasanjo farm has already become a reality. I am so happy to have Akinola as my son-in-law. We are all so lucky to have him in our lives. Akinola, shebi you’ll gladly talk to your sister to help Bimbo secure a job in her father-in-law’s farm, won’t you?”

“I …… I …….. I’ll do that, sir,” Akinola stuttered a reply.

“He’ll definitely help you. So Bimbo, be rest assured that you have a job after graduation. Akinola is Godsent to this family,” Mr Adigun replied with a grin while his wife concurred.

“He’s definitely a Godsent. Thank you Akinola, my son. You’re amazing,” Mrs Adigun appreciated while Akinola nodded his head and Mr Adigun continued with the introduction.

“Over there is my sixth child, Dayo. Dayo is in the 300 level studying Mass Communication. He has only a year to go and I do not want him to sit idle after graduation. Yes!” Mr Adigun snapped his fingers in delight before he continued. “I heard you’re related to Deji Olanrewaju of NTA. Is that true?”

“That’s true, sir. Deji Olanrewaju is my uncle, sir,” Akinola replied while Mr Adigun jumped up and started dancing. His wife joined him too and they danced together.

Eniola was already feeling ashamed and no matter how she tried to signal to both parents to stop embarrassing her, they wouldn’t listen. After Mr Adigun and his wife had danced to their fill, they sat down and Mr Adigun turned to Dayo and continued.

“Dayo, please start preparing because you are going to work with NTA, okay! Abi Akinola, won’t you help your brother-in-law?”

“I ………..I ………..I ………….. I will, sir,” Akinola stuttered a reply yet again.

“That’s very good of you. Only God can reward what you have done for me. Look at my seventh and eight children over there. They’re twins and we call them OreOluwa [a gift from God] and OreOluwa [The goodness of God][I’m sorry I don’t know ami and that’s why I gave the English meaning to tell the names apart]

“Ore and Ore both sat for the last UTME and they chose UNILORIN as their first and second choices. Please my son, I want them to get admission without any hurdles and I heard that the Vice Chancellor of UNILORIN, Professor Sulyman AbdulKareem Age is your father’s friend, am I correct?”

“You’re correct, sir. Professor AbdulKareem Age and my dad are childhood friends,” Akinola replied.

“Oh, what a good development!! Should I consider my twins, Ore and Ore, to be UNILORIN students already?” Mr Adigun expressed.

“I’ll try my best, sir,” Akinola replied.

“Thank you, my son. Come here, Ore and Ore, come and show gratitude to your brother-in-law,” Mr Adigun said while the twins came forward to appreciate Akinola and Mr Adigun continued.

“And over there are Bola and Bimpe, my ninth and tenth children respectively. Bola is in SS1 while Bimpe is in JSS3. Please my son, I’ll like you to assist me concerning both of them. I heard your aunt has a secondary school. I need your assistance, you know what I mean?”

“I do not understand you, sir.”

“Don’t try to feign ignorance. Please assist a helpless father,” Mr Adigun pleaded.

“Do you want me to talk to my aunt to enrol Bimpe and Bola for free?” Akinola asked.

“You’re very intelligent. You’re wise and brilliant. May your wisdom never dwindle. Exactly what I want, please help me, my son,” Mr Adigun pleaded and by this time, Eniola was already sobbing quietly.

Her mother turned to her to inquire the reason for her tears but her father quickly responded.

“It is tears of joy. Isn’t it Eniola?” Mr Adigun asked her daughter but instead of replying, Eniola cast him a nasty look but Mr Adigun developed a thick skin and pretended not to see her daughter’s displeasure.

“Those are the members of my family, Akinola. You’re welcome once again. Please serve his meal and add plenty of meat. He’s a good man, a very, very good one,” Mr Adigun praised him endlessly.

The guests were served with plenty of meat as instructed by the head of the family. After the meal, the guests had some good time with the family after which they announced their intention to leave.

The family saw them off to where their car was parked. They waved them goodbye and the guests departed after Akinola promised to call Eniola before going to bed that night.

The family went back into their house and Eniola confronted her father to register her displeasure.

“What is bad in what I have done? I’m about to give him my daughter and so he should be able to pay me back in return,” Mr Adigun defended himself.

“When did I become a commodity for sale? When did I become goods for trade-by-batter exhibition? Daddy, you embarrassed me. You didn’t hide your greed at all. The impression you gave Akinola and his friends about this family is not good at all. I just hope you don’t make me lose a good man,” Eniola said angrily while his mother cut in.

“I don’t see what’s wrong in what your father has done. The man has a huge connection and we’re only trying to attach ourselves to him. we didn’t ask for money, did we?” Mrs Adigun put in while Segun, their first son, responded.

“Mom! Dad was wrong. He shouldn’t have said all that during the first visit. I am also a man, if I witness such a scenario in my prospective in law’s house then I’ll be put off. A girl I haven’t been married to and his family are already on my neck for one request or the other. Dad and mom, you haven’t done well at all,” Segun expressed by shaking his head.

Their parents were sober now and they instructed Eniola to call Akinola to inquire about his journey home. He picked up but the network was bad. Mr and Mrs Akinola heaved a sigh of relief.

“Can you now see that Akinola wasn’t put off. If he was, he wouldn’t have picked Eniola’s call at all. So you children should relax and allow adults to handle things,” Mr Adigun said while both Eniola and Segun shrugged and left for their rooms.

After a while, Eniola tried Akinola’s number again but his line was switched off. She tried his second line and it was equally switched off. She placed the phone beside her till she fell asleep. The following morning, she tried his numbers again to no avail. Throughout that day, his lines were switched off and she sensed trouble. After a week, she still couldn’t reach him and her apprehension grew.

Akinola does not reside in the same city as her so to visit him wouldn’t be that easy. She decided to call his friends but they weren’t picking up as well. She called his siblings and the story was the same. It appeared he blocked her from all social networks too because she couldn’t reach him. She cried non stop and her anxiety grew by each passing day.

After two weeks, she decided to pay him a visit to know what was going on instead of wallowing in depression. She journeyed for nine hours from Lagos to Port Harcourt just to see him. Fortunately for her, she met him outside his house so he couldn’t avoid her.

“I have been trying your lines for the past two weeks. What happened?”

“I blocked you,” he blurted without looking at her.

“You blocked me? But why?”

“Because it’s over between me and you.”

“You ain’t serious, are you?”

“I am very serious. I want a wife and not a family burden. I haven’t married you and your father has already loaded responsibility on my head. I haven’t married you and I am already burdened with the responsibility of catering for your younger siblings. It appears your father does not only want to enslave and enchant only me but also the rest of my family. “Your brother owns a steel manufacturing company, and your uncle works in the NYSC secretariat, your mother is a retired chief matron, and your sister is married to Obasanjo’s son, your brother works with NTA, your father is a friend to Professor Sulyman AbdulKareem Age of UNILORIN, your aunt owns a secondary school” Yehn yehn, yehn ……… Habaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Only me?! On this small head? Do you guys want to send me to an early grave? If I decide to help and my families who are in each position that your dad is already expecting favours from are not ready to help, then what happens? Please Eniola, I do not dislike you but I’m sorry, I can’t carry your load. It’s too big for my head,” he said with a final note, ran inside and locked the gate.

***

This may seem like an exaggeration but it’s just to explain the enormous responsibility that a first child carries. This may be a fiction but it’s a vivid picture of the sacrifices first children make for their younger siblings. The responsibility that a first child shoulders is unquantifiable. Talk of financial, emotional, intellectual and a host of other responsibilities. If you’re lucky to come from a wealthy family or your younger siblings are made too, then the financial responsibility is lighter on you but trust me, you’ll still be emotionally and intellectually burdened. But if you’re from a poor or average background then you can’t eat with all your fingers. Your salary is not yours alone. Your house is not yours alone. Your clothes are not yours alone. Your bags and shoes are not yours alone. In fact, nothing you ever own belongs to you alone because you’re the deputy parent.

Though Islamically, the burden of catering for your younger siblings doesn’t fall on you but your parents but what do you do when your parents are incapacitated? You have to assist, right? Even when your parents are capable, I tell you, the empathy, sympathy and generosity of a first child is innate. Except if that first child is naturally irresponsible. And in a situation where the parents are no more, the first child assumes parenthood of his/her siblings.

Naturally, the first child looks out for all their siblings hence they’re always emotionally disturbed. Even intellectually, your advice is always sought after. And you’re also burdened with the responsibility of being a role model. Your siblings look up to you. They follow your footsteps and directions. You can’t misbehave because your younger ones are looking up to you. My people would say …. esin iwaju ni teyin n wo sare. As a first daughter, you can’t carry a shameful pregnancy, you have left a wrong foot print. As a first son, you have the responsibility of living an upright life because your siblings are watching you closely. A first child must not err, hence her siblings err.

By default, a first child is saddled with loads of responsibilities.

Shout out to every first child. Shout out to every man married to first child/daughters. Shout out to every woman married to first child/first sons. It takes lots of patience and sacrifice to marry a first child. You guys are the best.

My prayer for all first children is that the head God has made you will not turn to tail. May Allah grant you the financial, emotional and intellectual capacities to be able to paddle the canoe you’re saddled with.

Tag the first child of your parents and say a word of prayer for them. Tag every first child that you know and pray for them. TO EVERY FIRST CHILD, YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING AND AWESOME. THE LOAD YOU CARRY IS ENORMOUSLY GIGANTIC 🤩

LATEEFAH ADEWUNMI JUMAH – LAJFINGERS

mhrezaa-f-KZ6TSdbT0-unsplash

VEILING IS NOT FAILING

by with No Comment True Life

A True Life Feature Stories Of Muslimahs In Face Veil

Note – This interview was conducted in November 2019!

Our feature guest for today is the first ever Niqabi to bag a PhD in the history of the University of Ibadan and probably in the whole of Nigeria (not sure) This is to celebrate her as she’s been conferred with a PhD today, 18th day of November 2019.

Her name is OYAREMI Motunrayo Kafilat (Bakare). She was born and bred in Lagos State. She is from Ifako Ijaye, Lagos. Her father is late Alhaji Uzamat Adekunle Alani Bakare while her mother is Alhaja Rizqoh Arike Bakare.

She spent her early life with her late grandmother, Alhaja Khalilat Omolola Lawal who died while she was rounding up her PhD programme. Her grandmother was the mother she grew up to know while she was very young.

She had her primary education at African Church Primary School, Ifako Ijaye, Lagos, while she had her secondary education at Lagos African Church Grammar School, Ifako Ijaye, Lagos. She belonged to the Press Club and Drama Society in her primary and secondary schools. She was a very active member of the two societies.

Though she was placed in the science department in senior secondary school, she loved acting and casting news. She never wanted to be a science student but she was placed in science class because of her academic performance and everyone believed she would excel in the department. However, she was never fulfilled. She only had a passion for the Arts. Though she was among the best students in the department, she was never satisfied. She wanted more.

She wanted to be the best, she wanted to go for her passion. In her second year in senior secondary, she changed to Arts but her father was highly disappointed and sad. She went back to make him happy but she was sad. She continued to assist her friends in Arts and Commercial classes to do their assignments and she was extremely happy doing this.

Her father was confused, he wanted to know where she actually belonged. Eventually, she took a bold step in SSS 3 and walked up to the Vice Principal academics that she preferred Arts class and that is all she wanted. He was baffled, he couldn’t understand why she wanted to change when the Senior Secondary School Certificate Examination (SSCE) was just around the corner. She pleaded with her father, sent emissaries to him, promised him she would never bring the family name into disrepute if given the opportunity to pursue her dream of studying Theatre Arts and later becoming an actress. Her father was flabbergasted, he couldn’t comprehend why she would prefer Theatre Arts to every other course. He humorously offered to take her to Baba Sala (the late veteran comedian) to learn acting from him instead of wasting four years to get the certificate.

After much persuasion he allowed her. She sat for JAMB and chose Theatre Arts. In the year 2000 she was offered admission to study Theatre Arts and her name was number four on the merit list. That day, she was very sure it was one of her father’s happiest days. He was very happy that one of his daughters would be studying at the Premier University, the prestigious University of Ibadan. He took her by the hand and handed her over to Prof Abdul Afeez Ayinde Oladosu of the Department of Arabic and Islamic Studies who is a nephew of his boss and friend, Alhaji Popoola of Ifako Ijaye. It rained cats and dogs on this particular day but both father and daughter never felt the rain because of their happy states of mind.

Immediately they got home, her father gave her sister, Mrs Taiwo Kafayat Arulogun, some money to keep for her registration whenever it starts. But Alas, man proposes God disposes. We plan and Allah plans, Allah is the best of planners. Her father took ill the following week and died. She couldn’t go for her registration until after his Fidau Prayer, eight days after. The family members contributed money for her registration because the money set aside for registration has been spent on his sickness.

They later went for the registration (herself and her sister) and they were asked why they were just coming. Her sister narrated what happened and fortunately, that was the last day of registration. They got to UI around 2:00 p.m and the registration would end by 4:00 p.m. She was able to beat the deadline and Alhamdulillah, she became an undergraduate of UI.

The journey in the Department of Theatre Arts began with her sister’s advice of becoming a triangular student; Room- Class- Library and back to the room. Her sister enlightened her on the journey to getting a first class and that the journey starts in hundred level. She became a Federal Government Scholar in 100 level and was one throughout her undergraduate. Worthy of mention is also that she won the Mirinda Excellence Award for the best Arts student in her department in SSS 3 first term when she changed to the department.

She later graduated as the best graduating student in the Department of Theatre Arts in 2005. She specialised in Educational Drama and Playwriting. While at the Department of Theatre Arts she realised she loved working with children, teaching them with drama and other forms of arts.

She then proceeded for a Postgraduate Diploma in Education (PGDE) in 2007 at the Faculty of Education, Department of Teacher Education, University of Ibadan. She taught in some schools briefly before going in for Masters in Early Childhood Education in 2010. While doing the Master’s programme, things were so rough, her family was in a financial mess and there were days she would not have transport fare to UI and she would join a colleague to school, with the belief that she will definitely not sleep in UI, she would get home.

She was eventually stopped from attending classes because she couldn’t pay her school fees. Ruqoyyah Olayinka Popoola-Isiotan, a friend indeed, later came to her rescue and gave her money to pay half of the tuition fees. She did and she went back to school. She later paid the remaining school fees and school activities continued.

Immediately after her Master’s programme, she started a school, Milestone School, Ibadan and then participated in the YouWin programme and won. She used the grant to build her school and bought a school bus.

She proceeded for her PhD programme in 2013/14 and finished in 2018/2019. She had a PhD in Early Childhood Education/Educational Evaluation from the University of Ibadan.

She started using the Hijab in her first year in the university. This was before she got married. She actually got married in her final year. She started using the face Veil in 2007 while she was pregnant with her second child. She encountered several challenges after using the veil. Many people couldn’t comprehend why she had to use the veil. She was still doing PGDE and the first time she used the veil to class, she was embarrassed by a lecturer, who later succumbed.

Second year into her PhD, she was asked to stop veiling to classes. But Alhamdulilah, the University authority, kicked against this. The University pointed out that veiled students were to be identified by female staff during examinations. Oftentimes, people find it strange and absurd that an “eleha” is doing PhD. Some will even ask her what she intends to do with a PhD? ‘Can you get a lecturing job like this? ‘Who will employ you? These were very few of the questions people asked her while doing the programme.

She is married to Alhaji Abiodun Sulaiman Oyaremi. Allah blessed them with five children: Aisha, Maryam, Abdullah, Abdur-Rahman and Khadijah. Raising the children while studying is not an easy task but she has to cope with it. Alhamdulilah, her husband comes around and they try their best to bring up their children in accordance with the Islamic creed.

Juggling academics and career with family life for her has not been easy at all, it’s an herculean task. However, she tried to ensure that one doesn’t affect the other. By being able to differentiate the primary assignment from the secondary. Her family remains her primary assignment while academics and career remain secondary. With Allah’s rahma, perseverance and prayers, she juggles amongst the different aspects of her life. Her mum has always been her ‘unpaid nanny’ who comes around whenever she needs to be around; when she gives birth, during examinations and field work. She had her children at some very cogent points in her life but she’s been able to scale through thick and thin.

The seed for the quest for knowledge was planted in her by her father whose desire was that the least of his children’s academic achievement will be a Masters degree. Other factors that aided her ride from first degree to PhD are determination, perseverance, patience, prayers, love for research and die-hard spirit among others.

As a Niqabi, what motivated her to continue climbing the ladder till this stage are simply determination and Allah’s rahma. Though the general believe is that ‘elehas’ are meant to sit at home, she is of the opinion that though they must not go out like the disbelieving women, however they have their roles to play in the society while observing the dictates of Allah and His Prophet; Prophet Muhammed (Peace be upon him). Women have multiple roles to play in society and they can only do this excellently if they are educated both in the Islamic and Western ways. What you don’t have, you can’t give!

What also kept her going is her resolution never to give up and her childhood dream of becoming a professor coupled with some people’s “gentle pushes”, the fact that she doesn’t want to disappoint herself and those that strongly believe that she’s a “superwoman” is a motivation.

Being a PhD student is a “trial” on its own. The acronym stands for different factors that will aid your success in the programme. P: Prayers, Perseverance, Patience. H: Humility. D: Determination, Dedication, Diligence. You must possess these virtues among others to succeed. You can’t do it alone, your spouse must support you, you need family support and you must be personally ready to go against all odds.

Her experience as a PhD student is a “stressful-sweet” one. Most of her lecturers believed in her. They supported her, they gave her wings to fly and they pulled her along the lonely path to success. She enjoyed her course of study; Early Childhood Education/Educational Evaluation. The only aspect she found difficult is Statistics, but with determination, she passed the two Statistics courses. It got to a point her children kept asking if Statistics is only the course they were doing.

It took her six sessions to complete her PhD program. Her strengths as earlier stated are Allah’s rahma and her resolution to succeed against all odds.

She is a student of Mahadul Arabiyy (Arabic Institute of Nigeria). But she had to take a leave to complete her PhD and then go back to complete her Arabic classes in Class Eight. She also did a Tajweed programme at Thaqafi (Arabic School Civilization) Agbowo, Ibadan. Her daily routine starts mostly with mid-night prayer (Tahajjud), Salatul Duha, reading from the Quran, going to UI, and going to her school; Milestone School, Ibadan.

She has memorised some portions of the Quran and some hadith. Alhamdulillah

She also has a Madrasah that the pupils in her school attend daily after the Western Education. At least any pupil that passes through her school must memorise two juzuhs and a good number of hadith.

No matter where the whirlwind of life pushes you, Allah will always bring forth a servant of his to be instrumental to the achievement of what He has decreed for you. Prof. Abdul Qoniyy Raji is God-sent to her. He gave her the money that she used to obtain her PhD form. He became the father that she lost at the inception of her first degree. He strongly believes she can achieve whatever she puts her heart into. He is her cheerleader. His support of her academic attainment is second to none. She urged sisters and brothers alike to ensure they marry someone that shares their dream because that’s a step in dream achievement. Someone that will walk and work the path to success with you. She appreciates her husband who gave all the support she needed for today to be a reality. If he had stopped her at one point, today might remain a dream. She also appreciates her children who had to cope with her absence from home at times due to the demand of the programme, her prayer for them is to attain goodness in the two worlds. Her heartfelt gratitude also goes to her mom for being her “unpaid nanny”, And to her siblings, she loves them all. To the management, staff and pupils of Milestone School, Ibadan, she prays this achievement be a source of better beginning for them all. To all her teachers both Islamic and Western, she thanked them for watering the seed. To her supervisor, Prof. Monica Ngozi Odinko, the wind beneath her wings, she thanks her for giving her the wings to fly!!!

Her final words to all sisters who wish to pursue their dreams despite the face veil, ‘you can, you will and you must!!! You have only veiled your face, not your brain. Though your face is covered, your brain is uncovered to be receptive to knowledge that will aid the development and growth of your society. Do not allow anyone to put you down! Simply try to excel in whatever field you choose. Contribute your quota to the world, that could be one of your own ways of calling to the deen. Remember whatever you choose to do has a multiplier effect, it will not only affect you but it may affect your family, society and the world as a whole. Veiling is not failing! Definitely!! Indeed!!!

My sacrifices, my living and my death are for my Lord, the Lord of the World.

Alhamdulilahi Rabbil Alamin.

******

Alhamdulillah Robil’Aalmin. Thank you so much Dr Kafilat Bakare Oyaremi for finding time out of your busy schedule to feature on veiling is not failing.

Thanks for showing us through your good examples and indefatigable efforts that the Niqab is only a cover to the face and not a cover to the brain. We’re indeed proud of you. May this achievement be beneficial to you in this life and the next.

Congratulations!

Brethren, help me utter a resounding Baarakallah feek to this enigma on the milestone she’s achieved. She’s actually the first Niqabi to bag a PhD from UI, Maa shaa Allah. She has indeed made us proud and we’re elated.

#veilingisnotfailing

#Makingimpactisbetterthanbegging

#earningisbetterthanbegging

 

Lateefah Adewunmi Jumah

Laj Fingers

 

 

ives-ives-eEjJphHZgAA-unsplash

MUSLIM WOMEN ARE NOT BEGGARS

by with No Comment Contemporary

Since the video of the elehas begging for alms surfaced online, the reactions of Muslim men have been scanty about it. Why?

The matter is obviously not ignorable!

It needs to be addressed!

I told my sister that they didn’t humiliate Islam by coming out to say they’re suffering and further begging for alms, they humiliated themselves. And of course, no one can humiliate Islam. However, they carry the emblem of Islam which is why Islam will be mentioned anytime and anywhere the video is viewed. We can’t ignore that.

The position of Islam as regards the best place for women being the home still stands, no matter what! Nonetheless, ISLAM DOES NOT FORBID A WOMAN FROM EARNING MONEY. I stand to be corrected!

Islam does not forbid a woman from acquiring education. Islam does not forbid a woman from having dreams and aspirations. A Muslim woman just needs to follow the guidance of Islam wherever she finds herself.

Staying and working from home is the best decision I have made in my life. Actually, my husband belongs to the school of thought that I can’t be leaving the house and you’d also be leaving the house, so, you need to stay at home and take care of the homefront while I be the provider.

For the first few years of our marriage, I wasn’t earning money of my own and my husband carried all the responsibilities without faltering. Even now that I’m earning my own money, he hasn’t backslid in his duties, alhamdilillah Rabil’Alamin.

Today, I’m thankful to my husband for standing his ground despite the tantrums I threw to work. And it was so easy for me to accept his decision because he’s responsible. I am so proud of that decision despite the heavy criticism I had to face. However, some Muslim women who are asked to stay at home don’t have the same story as mine.

The law of Allah can never be faulty or faulted. The best for a woman is to stay at home. That law is very beautiful. In fact, it is seeking to give women the comfort that they deserve. But the upholders of that law ain’t upholding it the way it’s supposed to be upheld and that’s why there’s a problem. A woman who’s asked not to work needs adequate provision. This provision goes beyond food and shelter alone. It cut across several other valid feminine needs which the husband needs to provide. In the absence of this provision, the upholder of the law is at fault. And tongues are bound to wag that the law of Allah is faulty. Not knowing that it’s the upholder that has made a mess of a beautiful law.

The man is naturally created as the provider while the woman is naturally created as the nurturer. The society doesn’t ever push men to crave to be the nurturer by clamouring to carry pregnancies or breastfeeding a baby. But society pushes a woman to compete with men in his role as a provider. This is one of the disservice that society has done to a woman. A man can’t be the sole provider! They say! Hellooo!! But a woman can be the sole nurturer – carrying the pregnancy alone and breastfeeding the baby alone, right? What a double standard! With this mindset that a man should be assisted in his role as the provider, every woman runs helter skelter to also work and have an earning. This mindset also pushes a woman to be ashamed to spend her husband’s money. She sees herself as incomplete and a liability if she doesn’t have any financial contribution to the family. Some men also see their not-working wives as a liability. Society also sees her as a liability. Whereas, the law of Allah has absolved her of any financial obligations in the home.

Let’s say every Muslim man imbibes the teachings of Islam, then a woman who doesn’t have an earning can relax and allow herself to be taken care of. But sadly, not every Muslim man imbibes the teachings of Islam, that’s why we have a lot of women staying at home and suffering.

The best place for a woman to be is her husband’s house, I reiterate. And if she must work outside of the home, it must be with the full permission of her husband. And she must observe the correct Islamic dressing and etiquettes. As the world has turned into a global village today, It’s not until you go outside to work before you can earn money. You can be in the four walls of your husband’s house and be earning cool cash. You just need to acquire the right knowledge, skills and what have you. However, some Muslim men forbid their wives not only from working outside the house, but also from earning money. And yes, that’s true. And yes, he has the right to do so provided he’s up to the task.

Now, that video that is flying around is a wake up call for Muslim men who forbid their wives from working outside of the home and also forbid them from earning money. No one said you’ve done something wrong, but you just have to cater for her needs 💯.

Her responsibilities 💯 is upon the husband. Failure to provide for a woman who’s forbidden from earning money is one of the reasons why such a video is trending.

No gaslighting! Some men tell their wives not to work or earn money but they kill her with emotional abuse – You’re useless! You’re good for nothing! Your staying at home is meaningless! And so on and so forth!

When those kinds of words are coming from a loved one, it can cause low self-esteem and depression.

The bone of contention is that your full housewife should not suffer! We don’t want to see that kind of video again. It’s very embarrassing. We should have ignored it but it’s not ignorable because of the identity of Islam those women carry.

If you’re allowed to work and earn money, carry yourself with dignity.

If you’re not allowed to work and earn money, demand your full rights from him.

If you don’t allow her to work and earn money, you have to provide for all her needs, may Allah provide for you. She mustn’t have any cause to come outside and start begging and disgracing herself.

Earning is better than begging!

Muslim women are not beggars!

We are distinguished!

May Allah reward our sacrifices!

LATEEFAH ADEWUNMI JUMAH – LAJFINGERS