This is a very sensitive topic. And I really took my time with lots of typing and deleting before bringing it to public glare. If I’m not convinced that it would benefit someone out there, I wouldn’t have.

So lately I have been attending to questions from single sisters about falling in love. Questions like, ‘I don’t feel anything for him, how do I go into marriage with someone I don’t love?  Or ‘I’m not sure I’m ready, how do I prepare myself? Or ‘This is the fourth person and I still don’t feel anything, is something wrong with me?

Okay, let me address the questions one after the other.

As Muslim sisters, we’ve been admonished agaisnt boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and we steer clear totally until we’re ready for marriage. If you’re not careful, and you allow it to, this can affect your perception about love and relationship but if you’re wise, and know exactly what you want, it can never affect you.

Some sisters are lucky to have crushes who later turn to husbands and they don’t find it difficult falling in love.

While it’s not so for some sisters. Because they’ve avoided the opposite sex for so long, they find it difficult to fall in love or fit into a pre-marital relationship when they’re ready.

My first advice is for you to relax. Its difficult to fall in love when you’re rigid. Give the brothers listening ears. Some sisters are snub. It’s common among sisters that we don’t initiate Teslim to the opposite gender. Some sisters carry this on until they drive all suitors away. Relax and get ready to receive love. Like the boys scout ‘s motto: Be prepared. Rigidity does not help, it’s dangerous too after marriage.

My second advice is for you to open up and receive help. Find a trustworthy and sensible married woman around you and let her put you through. Read books that talks about marriage, Al-Jibaly four books series comes to mind. Read lots of books to prepare yourself. Attend marriage seminars too and gradually your muscles, mind, body and heart would be ready to receive love. Persuade your mind too, though you’ve not experience the feeling before but it’s not so difficult. Don’t be too rigid, kill that rigidity and you’re good to go.

Another problem is that you don’t know the real meaning of love. You keep turning down proposals for the reason that you don’t love him.

Come! What is your own definition of love and is their really anything like love at first sight? To me, I don’t think there’s anything like love at first sight instead it should be tagged attraction at first sight and I stand to be corrected on this.

How do you love someone you’re seeing for the first time? Love is not a cheap commodity that you can easily pick from bend down select okrika market. No, love is much more than that.

Love is a strong feelings of affection towards someone and that is not a day’s achievement.

Love is something you grow like a flower which you nurture and jealously protect afterwards.

The similitude of love and relationship is that of building a house, first you must get a land, lay the foundation and then start erecting your building. The same goes for love and relationship, you have to heartily accept his proposal after you must have done all the necessary things which include your istikhaarah and of course istisharah, then you open your heart and start erecting or planting his love in there.

If you don’t give him a chance at all with the excuse that you don’t love him then I’m sorry you’re not ready for marriage coz  genuine love don’t come at first sight except in the case of a mother and her newly born baby, it’s an instant connection, it’s love at first sight but in matters of the heart, I reiterate it, GENUINE love don’t come at first sight except its infatuation which doesn’t last.

Moreover, your expectations are too high, you have built a wall of fantasy around marriage which makes you view marriage from the perspective of impossibility instead of facing reality and believing in qadar. Your destined man that’ll take you to Jannah may not be a tall man but here you are waiting endlessly for a tall man because of your die hard fantasy. May it not be too late before you realize that the pen had been raised.

Don’t be deceived by Indian movies, don’t be scammed by telemundo films, don’t allow yourself to be brainwashed by nollywood love stories, your heart doesn’t have to do a marathon of somersault when you see someone you love, it’s not compulsory to have butterflies dancing in your tummy before you realise you’re in love.

Love is calm, its not crazy. Always longing to see that person is love, always longing to hear his voice is love, defending him when others are against him is love, fighting for him even when you know he’s wrong is love. The list is endless and can’t be achieved in a day.

Is there love at first sight? It may be true but not genuinely true.

Is there attraction at first sight? Always true but not in all situation.

Can love be grown? Always true only if your heart accept and agree.

Is there infatuation at first sight? Always true.

Can infatuation lead to love? Its difficult to state how true it is.

Is marriage a bed of roses? Never true.

And then there’s a misconception about courtship. It’s not as if courtship shouldn’t be at all. The period between offer/acceptance and marriage is the period of courtship. You can use this period to know your would be spouse better.

Go on a date, but make sure you’re not alone, have a Mahram or third party with you to avoid shaytan because the prophet (saw) says when a man and a woman are alone, the third party is shaytan. Who says, hijabi/niqabi and Alfa cannot go on a date to the most beautiful places of their choice. Please do and this would afford you the opportunity to see him/her a little. How he relates with people, his mannerism and so on. But don’t be alone I reteirate.

While preparing for your wedding you can go shopping together and of course with a third party. Let him pick whatever he would love to see on you by himself. Pick for him too. Islam is not boring, add some spices to your relationship and build on it after marriage.

Relax and receive love, most importantly, love yourself because if you don’t, you can’t love another person. I wish you the best on your journey to finding true love.

Lateefah Adewunmi Jumah.